Emotional Boundaries

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

Recently I have come across some thoughts about emotional boundaries, which struck me as personally important.   Conversations with others then reminded me that boundary setting was an important tool to teach to students.  Learning to balance support and kindness for others with our own emotional needs is something that is not always easy to do.  Having strong emotional boundaries is an important component of social-emotional wellbeing.  

So let's talk a little bit about what emotional boundaries are...

Emotional boundaries are saying no when you don't have time to take on one more thing. 

Emotional boundaries are recognizing that you are responsible for you and "they" are responsible for them.  

Emotional boundaries are striking the balance between supporting friends, family, and co-workers without personally taking on all of their emotional baggage.  

Emotional boundaries are not burning yourself out in order to light someone else's fire.  

Emotional boundaries are knowing what you can control and what you can not.  

Emotional boundaries are understanding how you feel and standing up for your needs in response to those feelings.  

Emotional boundaries are valuing your own needs around space and time.

Emotional boundaries are telling your friend that you are going to bed and won't be answering text messages for the next 12 hours.  

Emotional boundaries are remembering that it's not your fault that someone else feels a certain way (anxious, depressed, disappointed - unless of course you acted with malice toward them, and then yes, you need to apologize and make amends). 

It's this... 

It's important to distinguish that setting an emotional boundary with a friend or loved one doesn't mean that you don't care about them or aren't there for them.  It just means that you also have to be there for yourself too!  You have to know how to balance the want to help with the ability to be a helper.  

If you've ever flown on a plane, you'll remember seeing the flight attendants describe what to do in the case of loss of cabin pressure - the gas masks drop from the ceiling.  Those flight attendants always remind passengers that if you are traveling with a child or someone in need of assistance, to put your own mask on first.  This is a really concrete way to remember that you have to be well in order to help others.  If you don't take time to "put on your mask" or "fill your own cup first" you won't be able to help others breathe more easily as well.  

This concept of taking care of yourself too comes up a lot in middle school.  So many of you compassionate and caring individuals are putting much effort into supporting your friends and their emotions, but then you end up feeling the effects of a lack of self-care.  Not taking care of your own emotional needs can result in you feeling stress but not knowing why, not being able to sleep well (too much middle of the night messaging?),  feeling burnt out at the end of a day, feeling weepy, feeling taken advantage of, or just generally feeling overwhelmed.  

So how can you set better boundaries?  

• Practice saying no in respectful ways.  "I'd love to help, but I just don't think I can take on one more project right now."
• Set boundaries around screen time and in particular with messaging apps.  You should not be awake in the middle of the night messaging friends.  This compounds the problem of not being able to sleep that many kids describe to me.  It is less and less likely that you'll get good sleep if you keep staring at a device absorbing all the peer drama into the wee hours of the morning.  If you are having trouble sleeping, remove all devices from your room and use other strategies for calming down or relaxing such as reading, journaling, having a lite snack, taking a relaxing shower/bath, meditating, or talking to a parent.  Talk to your caregivers about a discussion with your doctor if the problem of not getting good sleep persists.  
• Recognize that it's not our job to fix people.  Being a quality listener and learning to reflect someone's feelings back to them is a great way to set a boundary.  "I hear you saying that you feel uneasy about going to your neighbor's house for the party...what do you think you could do about that?"
• Learn to recognize your own feelings and ask for what you need.  "I am feeling overwhelmed with this conversation right now.  I need some space and time to figure out what I need."

• Lastly know who your support people are - those that are going to be there for you no matter what - your parents or caregivers, your doctor, your therapist or counselor, your school counselor, your teachers, and your clergy members.  Remember that a friend's job is to love you not fix you, so be careful about burdening friends with those big struggles.  Learn to go to adults whose job it is to care for you.    

As always, if you need help practicing setting emotional boundaries or aren't sure when or how to even set one, come see me...I am happy to help out.  

Be Well Everyone,

Mrs. Hempey