The Friendship Algorithm

Happy Wednesday Everyone! 

This morning I wanted to reflect on friendship (and making friends and keeping friends).  This topic is on my mind because last Sunday evening, I participated in the recording of a podcast about friendship.  A friend of mine co-hosts the podcast, and she invited me and others to join the recording in honor of their 50th episode.  It was fun to simply be invited, but taking part in it, and now listening back to it this morning, has been an enlightening experience and an opportunity to reflect on friendships and their importance.  

I've written about friendships before, and I've talked about how the connections we make are vital to our positive mental health, but I want to acknowledge that making and keeping friends is not as simple as just saying, "I think I'll make a friend today."  Cultivating friendships is hard.  It's a two-way street.  Both parties have to be engaged and invested, and willing to put in the work to make friendships work.  Check out Sheldon's friendship algorithm...

It's funny how Sheldon tries to boil down making friendships into a simple scientific process.  He does kind of have the gist of it, but what Sheldon misses is that the nature of friendships is a bit more organic.  Maybe he and Cripkey will develop some mutual affection for each other while they are rock climbing, but only if they have a willingness to be vulnerable with each other.  They need to have a willingness to listen to each other, a willingness to care about each other, and a willingness to work at a lasting connection.  

You may be wondering what each of these pieces means, so let me explain a bit.  Being vulnerable means being willing to share yourself with others - your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your likes, and your dislikes.  Now, these don't have to all come out on the first experience with another person, because getting too deep too quickly would actually be a bit strange, but vulnerability can show up in little ways too and those little vulnerabilities can help connect us. Most people have a fear of being judged or of failing, so when we can say things to peers like, "wow, this is hard," or, "I am feeling a bit overwhelmed," it allows someone to connect with us and to share our vulnerability, and that creates a bond.   

Listening to someone is a great way to make a friendship.  I am sure you've often heard it said that we should listen more than we speak.  This is because when we listen, we learn about others.  When we learn about others, we find common ground.  We come to understand people when we listen, and we show them that we are invested in who they are.  This always makes others feel good, and it is a great way to make friends.   

After we listen, we have to care about what the other person has said.  It's not enough to just listen and then walk away like you didn't hear their message.  You have to follow up, check-in, or take action.  If a peer shares that they are struggling in math, for example, you could check in a couple of days later about how it's going.  Simply saying, "how's math going for you? could work, but it might also feel a little awkward.  Try instead to connect by saying something like, I'm feeling you on the math front today...I really struggled with that test too!"  A simple statement like this shows the other person that you heard them, and it allows you to make a common ground connection.  WARNING!  Don't go on and on and on about it, there-bye putting the focus on your own problems or successes.  The point is to make a connection to their vulnerability and allow it to be a bridge to something you might feel vulnerable about later on.    

The last part - being willing to work at friendships is sometimes the hardest.  Friendships take work, energy, and the willingness to outlast the ups and downs.  You've got to be a good friend - be kind, don't be self-centered, and respect others.  Also, as long as someone isn't taking advantage of you, be patient with your peers.  We don't always get it right every time, (especially in middle school) and we need to practice forgiveness while communicating our needs and perspectives fairly and calmly.

I'll say one last thing about friendships.  The social skills that we use when making friendships are skills that we have to put into practice in split-second interactions.  So give yourself a break when it doesn't go right.  Gaining the skills takes time - years even, and happens at different paces for everyone.  You have to evaluate yourself a bit sometimes, examine what you could be doing differently and try to apply the skills in the next go-'round.  Learn to read a room - match your behavior to the behavior of the group.  Practice being not too much or too little.  (If your behaviors are over the top, others might think you a bit strange, which will prohibit connection. Conversely, if you don't participate with others, you won't have opportunities to make connections).

A last reminder to us all...be kind - we are all fighting different battles, and your kind words and supportive behaviors have the ability to make or break someone's day.  So be a friend to make a friend.  Be kind...it matters...and we see you.  

Have a great day everyone!

Mrs. Hempey